I was grading my way through 35 papers on baptism when I came across a paper that began with this truism: “The issue of baptism is as old as itself.” That reminded me of the numerous funny quotes that I have collected over the years from my students’ papers. Here are the best quotes, with the funny parts italicized, and followed in most cases by my commentary.
· “Before the tree, Adam enjoyed sex without knowing that Eve was naked.”
(Adam was one dumb guy).
· “Progress was replaced with repetition. It could be said that the most famed scholars perpetually graduated from the School of Redundancy School.”
· “Even though having sex with someone other than your spouse is adulatory…”
(He meant “adultery,” not something worthy of high praise).
· “Urbanization and telecommunication has effectively brought the world to our living room and even our front door.”
(If it is already in your living room, the front door becomes a moot issue).
· “For the purpose of my discussion…I will limit the number of effects to those that are related to the issue.”
· “Bernard wrote for a wider audience than Anselm–who wrote only for rational people.” (Who did Bernard write for, morons?)
· “Bernard has placed ‘handles’ on love so that people can have an idea of where they are on God’s scale of holiness.” (If there are love handles, then there is no better place to be than on God’s scales).
· “Erasmus and Luther exchanged monograms concerning the ability of man’s will.” (“Hey Erasmus, I don’t want to distract from our important discussion, but would you like to swap initials?”).
· “The power of Christ could not be overcome by Satin’s power of death.”
(That 800 thread count is a killer)
· “In 1059 Anselm made his way to the Benedictine abbey of Bec in Normandy. The following year Anselm entered the abbey.”
(He probably should not have waited so long to knock).
· “Calvin gives more attention to the Spirit than the Father does.”
(An example of praise for Calvin run amuck).
And my all-time favorite, courtesy of Craig Jarvis, who obviously overcame a horrible childhood to become a flourishing pastor near Madison, Wisconsin:
· “Many ill-informed churches have swallowed a popularized notion that John Calvin was a harsh man who taught that much like a rosy-cheeked Santa, with a wink and a nod, God damned crates of humans to hell.”
(Someone is harboring some bad Christmas memories. “Hey, kids. Santa is here!” “No, not Santa! Aaaahhh!”).