student funnies

I was grading my way through 35 papers on baptism when I came across a paper that began with this truism:  “The issue of baptism is as old as itself.”  That reminded me of the numerous funny quotes that I have collected over the years from my students’ papers.  Here are the best quotes, with the funny parts italicized, and followed in most cases by my commentary.

·         “Before the tree, Adam enjoyed sex without knowing that Eve was naked.”

(Adam was one dumb guy).


·         “Progress was replaced with repetition.  It could be said that the most famed scholars perpetually graduated from the School of Redundancy School.”


·         “Even though having sex with someone other than your spouse is adulatory…

(He meant “adultery,” not something worthy of high praise).


·         “Urbanization and telecommunication has effectively brought the world to our living room and even our front door.” 

(If it is already in your living room, the front door becomes a moot issue).


·         “For the purpose of my discussion…I will limit the number of effects to those that are related to the issue.”



·         “Bernard wrote for a wider audience than Anselm–who wrote only for rational people.  (Who did Bernard write for, morons?) 


·         “Bernard has placed ‘handles’ on love so that people can have an idea of where they are on God’s scale of holiness.”  (If there are love handles, then there is no better place to be than on God’s scales).


·         “Erasmus and Luther exchanged monograms concerning the ability of man’s will.”  (“Hey Erasmus, I don’t want to distract from our important discussion, but would you like to swap initials?”).


·         “The power of Christ could not be overcome by Satin’s power of death.”

(That 800 thread count is a killer)

·         “In 1059 Anselm made his way to the Benedictine abbey of Bec in Normandy.  The following year Anselm entered the abbey.

(He probably should not have waited so long to knock).

·         “Calvin gives more attention to the Spirit than the Father does.”

(An example of praise for Calvin run amuck).

And my all-time favorite, courtesy of Craig Jarvis, who obviously overcame a horrible childhood to become a flourishing pastor near Madison, Wisconsin:

·         “Many ill-informed churches have swallowed a popularized notion that John Calvin was a harsh man who taught that much like a rosy-cheeked Santa, with a wink and a nod, God damned crates of humans to hell.

(Someone is harboring some bad Christmas memories.  “Hey, kids.  Santa is here!”  “No, not Santa!  Aaaahhh!”).







10 responses to “student funnies”

  1. I’m so glad I’ve never written anything that made that list!

  2. Oh, thank you for this laugh! Needed it this morning.
    I am pleased that none of my gaffes made the list (at least, I don’t think so.)

    BTW, there’s nothing in the Designated Pagan piece that’s as risqué as the above gems. I think you ought to just put it out there…

  3. mikewittmer

    Steve and Z:

    You seem to be pretty sure that you didn’t make the list. Whatever you need to tell yourselves….

    I was wondering what you thought of my designated pagan idea. I think for now I prefer to keep it under wraps, just in case some might take it the wrong way (which is probably the only way that it can be taken).

  4. Three things…

    1. Is one of those ridiculous flubs mine? Seriously…
    2. Am I YOUR designated Pagan? The idea seems oddly feasible. I mean, would Jesus rapture me when I don’t even believe in the pre-trib rapture? Sub-question: If the rapture turns out to be real, can I have your stuff?
    3. According to Google Analytics, 15%+ of my blogs traffic since I posted the interview with you has been the result of Google and Yahoo searches with the keywords: Wittmer, Don’t, Stop, Believing. Thanks for the bump. What’s weird is that almost no one commented on that actual post.

  5. Great quotes, cracked me up number of times. I’ve seen and written my fair share of those, hopefully none of mine would end up on my proffs lists though.
    Makes for a nice way to wrap up a crazy West MI day.

  6. Ranger

    My wife didn’t seem to think they were nearly as funny as I did, but I was almost rolling on the floor.

  7. Dan Ghramm

    Thanks for leaving the student’s names off. I couldn’t handle that kind of humiliation! Hey, I’d like to get a hold of Craig. Can you send his email address to mine (

  8. Hey, I’m not on the list and I don’t have you for anymore classes, so I’d say I made it, even if I just skated through! Although, I hope you don’t take that as a challenge and go re-read all my papers to try and catch something 🙂

  9. mikewittmer


    If you were my designated pagan, I wouldn’t tell you, as that might ruin it. Suffice to say that I have left my library to you, and when you come to pick it up, you will find special instructions in an envelope on p. 666 of Calvin’s Institutes. Good luck!

  10. Just found your site from a link on the seminary site. These are hilarious! I needed a good laugh. My wife didn’t think they were as funny as I did either. It did bring back memories from semiary.

    Looking forward to reading your new book. I’m teaching at the Church Ministries Conference in March too. Maybe I’ll see you.

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