Mike Wittmer

the home team

I live in Ada, Michigan, the hometown of a successful business which is celebrating its golden anniversary this week.  I don’t want to say out loud what the business is, but if you are free this evening, I’d like to stop by after my softball game and tell you about a terrific opportunity for you and your family.  And then if you tell five friends, and they each tell five friends, in no time at all you will find yourself in that 2% of the population that Obama intends to tax.

 Here’s the thing.  The fellow who started that business also happens to own the Orlando Magic, the next obstacle to Lebron James finally bringing a championship to Cleveland.  And since that man is a fine Christian, and a Republican to boot, you have to know that God is pulling for him.  How else to explain the injury to Kevin Garnett?  His injury, which enabled the rise of my neighbor’s team and the downfall of the Celtics, proves once again that God likes soap products (cleanliness is next to godliness) and hates Ben Affleck. 

 And since God also hates Cleveland—if he was truly impartial wouldn’t Cleveland have won something in my lifetime?—this next series is shaping up badly.  Even the prophet Charles Barkley is picking the Magic.  So here it is:  the King must lift an entire city—an entire region—on his young and very broad shoulders, and challenging more than 50 years of karma, God, and now the Religious Right (my neighbor built a chapel for D. James Kennedy), he must try to accomplish what hasn’t been done since before my neighbor began pushing (Nutrilite) pills.  Sadly for Cleveland fans, we already know how this ends.  TP party, anyone?

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5 responses to “the home team”

  1. Jonathan Shelley

    I think the only way Cleveland will ever win anything is if someone creates the sporting equivalent of the Razzies (in case you are unfamiliar with the Razzies, they are the anti-Oscars given annually for the worst movies and performances). I think Cleveland could win a lifetime un-achievement award for every pro team. You know it’s bad when Lions fans pity you.

  2. Jason

    I usually don’t give such bad logic the time of day, but considering the “luck” of Cleveland in the sporting world, I think you’re on to something. Although I’d rather not have Mr. Barkley on my side.

    As a former resident of Orlando and a Magic fan, and a present resident of Denver and a Nuggets fan, I like my odds of celebrating a championship with my “home” team. And although a Kobe/Lebron match-up is worthy of “a place called heaven” :-), I’ll rather enjoy the ‘Melo/Howard show in a few weeks.

    You don’t have much of a chance, but…”Don’t Stop Believing”! 🙂

    Really…will the NBA playoffs end before the Superbowl?!

  3. Bill N.

    …. and our church supports missonaries to Cleveland too… Is Clevevland the symbol for “brokenness”? At least in the last however many years it has been, the river has not caught on fire…

  4. Jeff Lash

    Ok…cracking me up with the unnamed business reference. Though King James does has a lot to overcome, I’m calling Cleveland in 6. I wonder if Orlando’s chances would improve if more people would buy into “the business.” I mean, God does help those who help themselves.

    I think the Nuggets will expose the Lakers for what they are…wannabe champs. Cavs-Nuggets for the title…an unlikely match-up at the beginning of the season.

  5. Jeff

    Wow, after last night I guess God really does hate Cleveland!

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