I don’t remember how we got off track, but about a month ago one of my class discussions took a brief detour on the value of having a theological nemesis. Batman had the Joker, Superman had Lex Luthor, and Spiderman had the Green Goblin, and so we wondered if our pastoral skills might be sharpened by matching wits with someone on the opposite side of the theological spectrum.
I said that my nemeses would probably be Rick Warren for chapter 6 of The Purpose-Driven Life and Brian McLaren for just about everything. And yes, I realize that if Warren is my nemesis then I must also put John Piper and the Jonas Brothers on notice, and for the same reason (both are the shortcut to winning the Kevin Bacon game if you’re trying to get to Rick Warren).
To jog your thinking, here is a smattering of theologians with their nemesis.
Polycarp: Marcion (the “first-born of Satan”)
Irenaeus: Valentinus
Tertullian: Praxeas
Athanasius: Arius
Augustine: Pelagius
Cyril of Alexandria: Nestorius
Anselm: Gaunilo
Bernard of Clairvaux: Abelard
Abelard: Fulbert’s friends who neutered him in his sleep (he probably awoke)
Thomas Aquinas: slender Muslim Aristotelians
Young Luther: the &@* Pope
Old Luther: the Jews (and their lies)
John Calvin: Pighius (it’s a huge advantage when your nemesis has a name like this)
Arminius: Gomarus
George Whitefield: John Wesley
Charles Wesley: George Whitefield
Kierkegaard: Hegel (a genius who was “merely comic”)
Karl Barth: Schleiermacher
Fundamentalists: Billy Graham
Bob Jones, Jr.: Jerry Falwell (“the most dangerous man in America,” a quaint comment which obviously predates the Unabomber)
Jerry Falwell: the purple purse-toting Teletubby (“the most dangerous cartoon on PBS,” and that’s saying something)
Wayne Grudem: William Webb
John MacArthur: Charismatics, Amillennialists, Egalitarians, Arminians, Charles Ryrie, et al.
Michael Horton: Charles Finney
Pete Rollins: Revelation
Joel Osteen: Jesus
Don't Stop Believing 
Alright Michael, in your abundant spare time, let’s have your list of musical nemeses. Try to get beyond rock, if possible.
gary
Now this was funny … thank you!
Gotta love the Tinky Winky reference.
Brilliant list, made for a great start to my workday. And the Teletubbies are far more dangerous than Schleiermacher, I bet he didn’t even have a purple purse!
Love this! My theological nemesis is….hmmm, usually myself!
God Bless!
Jay
Hope you’ll visit our Calvin-admiring site, comment. Thanks.
John Lofton, Editor, TheAmericanView.com
Communications Director, Institute on the Constitution
Host, “The American View” Radio Show
Recovering Republican
JLof@aol.com
My nemesis is the late John Walvoord.
P.S. Mike, check out my latest blog post in which you are mentioned multiple times and contrasted with Steve Chalke.
P.P.S. Is it providence that in the forthcoming book Kinda Christianity, you are depicted in an illustration as one of Batman’s nemeses (between a Joker-themed D.A. Carson and a Two-Face Mark Driscoll). The answer is: OF COURSE!
That last one:
“Joel Osteen: Jesus”
Bold. Well played, sir.
I would pay $500 to see a Mark Driscoll vs. Rob Bell cage match.
(The loser has to change the name of their church.)
Excellent.
How ’bout
John Piper: N.T. Wright
Al Mohler: Anyone who isn’t a Calvinistic Baptist
Cal Beisner: The majority of climatologists
Ken Ham: Anybody who reads Genesis as it was intended to be read
Of late, there has been a bit of a spat over D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones (v. J.I. Packer?) between Carl Trueman and Iain Murray…
I am curious on the George Whitefield v. John Wesley…didn’t one preach the other’s funeral service? I know there was some theological difference between the two, but it strikes my memory that there was a general friendship between the two. Am I mistaken?
You’d probably have to say “Llyod-Jones v. Stott” before Packer.
Ian Murray’s “Evangelicalism Divided” is a great read on British evangelicalism in the last part of the 20th c. And then read McGrath’s bio of Packer for the other side of that story.
Gary Meadors: Mike Wittmer
Godwin and Matt D,
I think you meant Gary Meadors: Sobriety.
Mike,
One I’m surprised you didn’t include:
Machen: Fosdick
Sadly, I think we need to add this one:
Pope Benedict: the media
Here’s an obscure one that I’ve been following with interest:
John Cooper: Joel Green
Some of the more interesting developments in evangelicalism that may have a significant impact down the road:
Bruce Ware: Kevin Giles
Greg Beales: Peter Enns
Thomas Oden: Abraham Kuyper
Jim Wallis: James Dobson
Alister McGrath: original research
You forgot John Wesley and his wife. And while I’m at it, my ex and me.
I would tend to disagree with Charles Wesley’s nemesis being George Whitefield. John and George certainly had their antagonism, but Charles helped bring them back together in the end….
Jonathan Shelly wrote…
Everyone stop commenting. There’s nowhere to go from here but LESS FUNNY.
Great post. 🙂
Your list of noteworthy nemsis paris is the funniest thing i’ve read all day. well played.