Last week I submitted this entry for the new evangelical satirical website, The Babylon Bee. I haven’t heard back, so I post it here for your enjoyment, conviction, and/or critique, if you’re that kind of person.
Rev. Geoff Cummings of Waters Edge Lutheran has been placed on administrative leave one month after his much anticipated Easter sermon failed to generate sufficient tweets. “This church will not tolerate failure of this magnitude,” announced elder Billy Tauber. “Especially after Pastor Geoff called his shot the night before. @therealGeoffCummings tweeted a picture of himself at prayer in his study with the hashtags #bringingittomorrow, #donotmissthis, and #getreadytogetjackedforjesus. And then not one person tweeted a single word he said. And we had college students! It’s clear his ministry here is over.”
Ten minutes into her husband’s sermon, Abby Cummings knew he was in trouble. “I thought people were paying attention and laughing at the right spots, but when I opened my Twitter app to see what they were getting out of the message, there was nothing. I checked Snapchat, Kik, and Facebook. Still nothing. I tried to jumpstart things by tweeting his best lines, ‘Resurrections only work in cemeteries, #he’salive,’ and ‘1 cross + 2 nails = 4given, #blessed.’ All anyone had to do was retweet.” She shook her head. “Only one person did, and no one follows him anyway.”
The lack of twitter response left liturgical drummer Marty McAllister feeling confused. “The church seemed full of joy as worshipers praised God and reconnected with old friends. But with no social media record of the event, how do I know if what I felt was real?”, he posted on Facebook. It got 92 likes and three sad emojis. The church was impressed, and announced that Mr. McAllister will deliver the sermon this Sunday.
Photo by Vishal Charles. Via Flickr. Used by permission.
Mike Wittmer 
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